Saturday, November 15, 2008
Long time wearer, first time writer…
I usually love your shoes and own many pairs, but I must complain about a design flaw in a pair I thought I would love.
The first time ever I saw your little brown ballet flats, the angels sang. Remember?
But a couple of hours into their first outing, I realized that these shoes are actually the work of the DEVIL HIMSELF.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Note, if you will, the back of the shoe, which curves up into a devious Achilles-shredding point. No flesh, no Band-Aid can hold up under this crippling, hard-edged curve. What were you thinking, Børn?
I have tried wearing these cute cruel shoes a couple of times since that first attempt, heavily fortifying my heels with Band-Aids. But I invariably ended up limping and finishing my day out walking from car to door in my bare or stocking feet, so anxious was I to free myself from the agony.
And so, the shoes must go.
They are barely worn, Børn, but should I donate them to charity, as I do my other not-too-worn clothes? Or is that just passing the cruel buck?
You have disappointed me, Børn. Deeply. In penance, I think you should walk a mile in my shoes. These shoes.
time for my makeover!
Monday, May 19, 2008
For example, how will I look when my hair magically poufs up into the obligatory old lady hairdo? Can one still buy pink foam rollers for pouf maintenance?
Where do old ladies buy the sucking candies they carry in their handbags? (My grandma carried these rectangular fruity things that were filled with fruity goo. The first cum candy.) How long should they collect lint in the bottom of my handbag before they’re suitable for distribution?
I guess I’m going to have to open a Dillard’s account.
Too bad I look terrible in white pants, but what can I do? The fashionistas have spoken. And I hope Tom will love me all the same in white waist-high nylon panties.
It will be kind of a relief to give up all pretense of wearing cute shoes and just relax into comfortable. I'm thinking white sandals with nice thick gum soles and Velcro closures. And perhaps little gold tsatsakas dangling off them, to make them look snazzy.
Gosh, it’s going to be a busy week. A girl doesn’t age overnight, you know. What else do I need for this very important transition?
By the way, all you Metroplexites. My birthday weekend kicks off Friday night at the AllGood. Black and Blue will rock in my advanced age. If you’re out and about, wander that way. Music starts 9-ish. (Because we old folks just can’t stay up late.)
Monday, May 5, 2008
I had to go to Sephora and Ulta, two mega beauty stores, which just about put me into anaphylactic shock. My god, so many, many, many products for making us better than we are. What a sorry excuse for a woman I am … I use so few of these products. At Sephora, waiting for a cashier requires standing in line in a lane of impulse purchases, like the candy racks by the supermarket checkout. Except all these little doodads are expensive. The least expensive I noticed was some sort of Bliss moisturizer for $8. Everything else was $15, $20, $30. Yikes. Does everyone else in the world really have that much dough to toss around on impulse? What’s wrong with me?
However, in researching this same article, I’ve been spending some time perusing beauty blogs looking for new and interesting products. In particular, I’ve been reading BeautyAddict and actually liking it.
I was interested to note that Beauty Addict has a particular wand up her tush about Maybelline Great Lash mascara, which has long been a beauty icon. She considers it highly overrated. I’ve been using Great Lash since I was a teenager but I was willing to listen. She’s obviously given it a lot more thought that I have.
Her favorite mascara, as discussed here, is Lancome Fatale, but I’m simply not the kind of person who spends $23 on a mascara. However, I was willing to give her drugstore favorite a try. L’Oreal Voluminous costs a couple of bucks more than Great Lash. Wow. I’m sold. My puny lashes looked a hundred times fatter under the influence of Voluminous than with Great Lash. I’ve purchased my last pink and green tube. The times, they are a changing….
I got a $5 coupon from DSW as a birthday present from the company, so of course I had to pop in there to see what I could see. While I was rapidly glazing over among the rows and rows and rows of shoes, I overheard one woman saying to another, “I just want to find a pair of simple…”
I didn’t hear the rest of the sentence but knew immediately that her search was doomed. When you put “just” and “simple” in the same sentence these days, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. It only sounds like it should be easy. It would be much easier if you said, “I’m looking for something impractical, over-the-top and crapified with too much chazzerai.” Or, “I’m looking for a pair of hot pink patent leather fake lizard sandals with five-inch heels and overly shiny gold buckles.” Those, I almost guarantee you could find. But “just” and “simple”? Good luck, lady.
This is especially true of handbags these days. My goodness, they’re crapified. As far as I’m concerned, nothing makes a purse, shoe or garment looking cheaper and cheesier than lots of big buckles and logos and danglies and snaps and zippers and what-all.
Evidently, though, that’s just me.
Finally, since I was in a mall, I decided to pop into Lenscrafters and look at glasses frames. I’ve been wearing the same glasses for at least five years and I’m ready for a change. I had a shape in mind but of course, that’s a recipe for heartbreak. (I just want a simple…)
What’s completely bumfuzzling to me is that Lenscrafters was filled with dozens and dozens and DOZENS of nearly identical frames. The shape of the moment is a sort of narrow squared shape like these, and that’s pretty much what everyone is making in various colors and fabrications. I like them, they’re cute, they look OK but honestly, couldn’t we have just a little variety? Does everyone need to be on the same bandwagon? It seems to foolish. And it’s definitely frustrating.
That is all.
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