Here goes. My last week of my 40s. So many worries and concerns.

For example, how will I look when my hair magically poufs up into the obligatory old lady hairdo? Can one still buy pink foam rollers for pouf maintenance?

Where do old ladies buy the sucking candies they carry in their handbags? (My grandma carried these rectangular fruity things that were filled with fruity goo. The first cum candy.) How long should they collect lint in the bottom of my handbag before they’re suitable for distribution?

I guess I’m going to have to open a Dillard’s account.


Too bad I look terrible in white pants, but what can I do? The fashionistas have spoken. And I hope Tom will love me all the same in white waist-high nylon panties.

It will be kind of a relief to give up all pretense of wearing cute shoes and just relax into comfortable. I'm thinking white sandals with nice thick gum soles and Velcro closures. And perhaps little gold tsatsakas dangling off them, to make them look snazzy.

Gosh, it’s going to be a busy week. A girl doesn’t age overnight, you know. What else do I need for this very important transition?

By the way, all you Metroplexites. My birthday weekend kicks off Friday night at the AllGood. Black and Blue will rock in my advanced age. If you’re out and about, wander that way. Music starts 9-ish. (Because we old folks just can’t stay up late.)

Labels: birthdays, fashion, midlife, milf, shoes, shopping

Dear MILF,

It annoys me that you're hotter than I am so here are some hideous, dumpy outfits so my boyfriend stops looking at you like you're a sweet piece of mom-candy.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hugs!

Your daughter

Labels: holidays, milf, mother's day, shopping