Just Friends

When Viola Blocker ended a two-year romance with William H. Hibler, the breakup was hard on Mr. Hibler.

The ending wasn't ugly but, "We grew apart," says Ms. Blocker. "I started graduate school. The responsibility of school and a relationship was kind of tough."

"We did so many things together, we spent so much time together, I definitely had to divest from her for quite a while," says Mr. Hibler, who works in radio promotions. "It took probably a full year because we had a lot of common friends -- the places we used to go, so many symbols and cues that reminded us of the relationship."

But after the romance died Ms. Blocker, 47, and Mr. Hibler, 48, managed to develop a friendship that has weathered 20 years so far. "If I were to look back on the landmarks of my life, she's been part of all of them," says Mr. Hibler.

"He's the best friend I've ever had," says Ms. Blocker, who works in the mortgage industry. "God teaches us lessons by the people we encounter. God puts a person in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Bill has been all three."

How did they get from there to here?

Being friends after a romance ends isn't always easy, appropriate or worth the effort but it can be done if you have reason to do so and are toting no bad baggage.

For Marlon Rollins, 31, and Temekia White, 31, the decision to kindle a new relationship from the ashes of their romance was a no-brainer because they had a daughter together and they both wanted to be responsible parents.

Even though they knew their cohabitation relationship was past due when Ms. White, a paralegal, realized she was too, Mr. Rollins stayed around to see her through the pregnancy. "I wanted to be part of the process. It was my first child," says Mr. Rollins, who owns a construction company. "I stayed until my daughter was eight months old, then I moved out." Today, the couple works together rearing three-year-old Ayshia.

One reason they are able to do that, believes Mr. Rollins, is because although they grew apart, there was no betrayal in the relationship. "We never had a cheating issue," says Mr. Rollins. "The loss of trust - you can never forgive that."

Ms. White agrees that they have negotiated the best relationship for their daughter, although says she probably wouldn't maintain the friendship with Mr. Rollins if not for Ayshia. "I owe it to her to have a good relationship with her father," she says. The couple keeps their focus on the child rather than their own interactions. "I don't try to bring up our past relationship or try to rekindle anything," says Ms. White. "We don't get into anything personal."

Parenthood is certainly the most important reason for any couple breaking up to find friendly ground. But Dallas psychologist Sally St. Clair says friendship also is a worthy goal if the relationship at its best was solid and healthy. "If it really was a trusting, loving, caring relationship it can be a positive thing to be in touch occasionally with someone you care that much about. The downside would be if the relationship had been abusive or one in which trust was shattered. Or if one person hangs on to the dream of what they hoped the relationship would be rather than what it truly was."

Business consultant Isolina Byrd, 42, and Michael Layton, 43, carry no lingering illusions about their relationship, which started as casual dating and amicably morphed into a friendship and business partnership.

"After you get to know a person sometimes you realize that your goals don't line up," says Mr. Layton, who is in the mortgage business. "You go in there hoping, of course. After dating for a little while we realized that ours didn't really line up relating to long term. We both recognized that being adults. No animosity -- we just had an adult conversation. We were on different paths, I was coming out of a situation, that was one issue, and I think that she was probably looking more into a relationship. I was little more casual."

Ms. Byrd concurs, and says, "Sometimes it's best to savor the relationship and omit sex. It's easy for me to do 'cause I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for."

Adult conversation also was key to hammering out the new relationship with Ms. White, says Mr. Rollins. "She understands what I'm expecting and I understand what she's expecting. At this point, we know it isn't about us."

Dallas, Texas-based mediator Suznne M. Duvall helps feuding ex-couples heading to the courts come to agreements about everything from child custody to business matters. She stresses communication as the first step to agreement. "One of the first things we need to open up for discussion is discussion -- the willingness to communicate," she says.

In order to communicate effectively, both parties need to recognize that their perceptions of the situation are different. "You have to be willing to see things through the other person's eyes," says Ms. Duvall. "We see the world not as it is, but through our own perceptions. We also make assumptions. I assume you're hearing everything I say exactly how I mean it to be heard."

Sometimes reaching true understanding means digging past anger to find the sadness beneath it, says Ms. Duvall. "Sadness is a more workable emotion in the sense that you have to acknowledge where you're coming from before you can get to where you want to go. We mediators have an expression: No case will ever settle on top of unexpressed emotion."

This also means being honest about your own motives for keeping a relationship alive. "I had to be realistic, that was the hard part," says Mr. Hibler. "A lot of time you think, 'If I just do this one thing, maybe it's just one little thing I can turn it around.' It's a saving the ship kind of mentally."

In cases like that, you're better off walking away from the relationship, at least for a cool-off period says Dr. St. Clair. Mr. Hibler says about a year elapsed before he felt at ease about a friendship with Ms. Blocker. "You ask yourself, do I choose to be friends with this person again - is it worth it?" he says. "Is there reason to go back at all? Vicki was the type of person that even if I had never her dated before, I'd want for a friend. We were friends for a long time before we dated."

A clear-eyed assessment of your motives in maintaining the friendship is especially important once new romances develop for either party. "If you feel like you have to keep it a secret from your current relationship then there's probably something about it that 's not quite right," says Dr. St. Clair. "Illicit relationships thrive on forbidden fruit and secrecy."

When channels of communication are open and both parties know what they hope to accomplish, the next necessary component to building a friendship is maturity. "The maturity part is understanding the value of a good friend. There's a difference between having a lover and having a good friend," says Mr. Hibler.

"If you're clear about who you are and are not defining yourself by how the other person treats you, you can be glad about what you shared with the person. It's a level of maturity to be able to have that friendship," says Dr. St. Clair.

When Mr. Hibler moved from Oklahoma (where they both lived 20 years ago) to Dallas, Ms. Blocker, who is from Texas, helped him settle. Later, when she moved to Dallas, they saw each other from time to time. When he had no telephone for a period, she let him use hers. And she was with him when he got the news that his mother had cancer and the prognosis was bad. "He cried on my shoulder," says Ms. Blocker. "Three years ago, he returned the favor. As my mother was going through it, I called him and said, 'I'm going to need you. You've gone where I'm going to go.'" Mr. Hibler stepped up and was the friend she needed.

Today, the longtime friends speak regularly on the phone and get together from time to time to cook dinner for each other.

"He makes a mean salmon and tosses a hell of a salad," says Ms. Blocker.

"If I need something, in the middle of the night, I wouldn't hesitate to call her," says Mr. Hibler.

Mr. Hibler and Ms. Blocker walked through the fires of heartbreak by remaining respectful and compassionate and giving each other space to lives their own lives as they saw fit.

"The most important thing is not to judge a man for being a man," says Ms. Blocker. "Accept him for being exactly how God intended him to be - maybe not a spouse or lover, but just a friend."

Break up to make up

A kind end to the romance can increase chances for a future friendship. Psychologist Sally St. Clair has these tips for breaking up:

" Close the door on a relationship gradually rather than slamming it shut.

" Talk through your reasons for ending a romance. Be compassionate but honest. Friendship thrives on trust.

" Remember that sometimes a failed romance is nobody's fault but is rather just a case of mismatched personalities.

" Sometimes it's best to just break ties and move on, but if you decide to rebuild the relationship as a friendship, take your time about it.

Pick up the pieces

Did your last romance end with a bang? Mediator Suzanne M. Duvall specializes in helping people move past anger to agreement.

" A lot of anger usually masks a lot of hurt. Back away from the anger for a broader view of the situation and you should be able to deal with it more effectively.

" Listen to what the other person is saying and repeat it in your own words to help ensure that you are hearing what he or she meant to say.

" Give it time. You can't fix in 15 minutes a problem that might have taken years to build up.

" Be honest with yourself: Are you fighting with the person for the sole purpose of keeping the relationship alive in some form? If so, it's time to just walk away, as long as no children are involved.

" If you have children with your ex, you have no choice but to develop a civil relationship. The kids come first and the courts don't care about your feelings as an adult, should it come to that. Everyone is better off if grown-ups act like grown-ups and find ways to be better parents than they were romantic partners.